Friday, September 7, 2012
Hey, you probably don't remember me.
I don't even know why I'm posting this.
Sorry I left without saying anything, I still miss and worry about a lot of you.
I went into that program over a year ago (April 2011 I think?) and was doing great and I relapsed around May 2012, or about 4 months ago.
I'm a senior in high school and my hair is purple and my face is thinner and I'm a lot more sarcastic. I have a boyfriend that I love a lot.
I still wear those lame glasses.
I fast a lot. I purge when I eat. My boyfriend and like, 2 actual friends are worried (yeah it's insane I found a group of kids at school that will accept me they're called pot heads. just kidding though, they don't even want me. but i do have friends now). So I've been trying to eat 600-800 calories a day and exercising because I still need to lose weight. But it's too much and it's too hard and I usually eat a lot less than that. I purge and sometimes binge. I've gotten very good at purging. I don't gain weight when I b/p now.
I probably won't start writing on here.
I'm still very depressed, obviously. Things are sort of worse than they've ever been.
I think it's been over a year since I tried to kill myself.
I used to write about my various attempts and trips to the er a lot.
I do even more drugs now. Not hard drugs, but it's probably only a matter of time.
Kidding. I'm broke. Still cutting and bruising.
Things were great for a while though.
I'm probably going to community college and moving out after this school year, or like, in an entire year.
I'll be alone then and I know I probably can't do it. I don't think I'd be able to live for very long by myself with how things are going. That's so fucked up. I don't know if I'll really recover. Like 1/3 of people with eating disorders do. I feel like I just know too much. About this shit, about myself.
I know most of you aren't pro ana. That shit is weird. It's a weird place to be. I think a lot of people got confused and called themselves that instead of saying they had an eating disorder. Actually pro-ed is fucked up though. I used to write about the things I did like they were okay. Until things got shitty and I couldn't do it anymore but I couldn't not. I feel very guilty now because there's a lot of people trying to get better, and I really just don't know what I'm doing.
I really do believe now, after having met a lot of different people, that you need to be ready to get better. I feel fucking awful about it, but I don't think I'm ready.
I really am scared. I remember being depressed and doing these things before. They feel darker now.
I was really young before. I was a freshman when I started writing about this and it took me a while to understand what I was doing and I understand it more every single day whether I want to or not.
I go to school with kids that are 14. They're small and they don't know what they're doing when it comes to fucking anything. I had no fucking idea what I was doing like, ever.
Every year I think I know everything and I really don't. I know more than I ever have right now, but I'm going to look back years from now and think I was a fucking idiot. And an asshole.
I really have turned into the biggest cunt. But I go to high school every day. School started Tuesday actually. It's like my anger and hostile feelings didn't fade at all over the summer and all the rage just picked back up. But I really can't handle how fucking stupid everyone is and how little people care that are supposed to. That fucking get paid to. I've realized that most things are total bullshit and everyone is full of bullshit.
I'm very angry now. It's difficult to deal with. Not like, yelling at people breaking shit, weird behavioral shit angry. I'm angry at everyone and I'm helpless, because most people I think, will die completely ignorant. People don't think. No one thinks and I know I'd rather be ignorant and not have things in my head. I wish I could take a lot of things in my head back.
This really doesn't make sense. I missed this, but things are very different now. It's not about my weight at all now. It really isn't. I care, and I obsess over numbers. But I know that it really has nothing to do with my size.
I still write too much.
I don't even know why I'm posting this.
Sorry I left without saying anything, I still miss and worry about a lot of you.
I went into that program over a year ago (April 2011 I think?) and was doing great and I relapsed around May 2012, or about 4 months ago.
I'm a senior in high school and my hair is purple and my face is thinner and I'm a lot more sarcastic. I have a boyfriend that I love a lot.
I still wear those lame glasses.
I fast a lot. I purge when I eat. My boyfriend and like, 2 actual friends are worried (yeah it's insane I found a group of kids at school that will accept me they're called pot heads. just kidding though, they don't even want me. but i do have friends now). So I've been trying to eat 600-800 calories a day and exercising because I still need to lose weight. But it's too much and it's too hard and I usually eat a lot less than that. I purge and sometimes binge. I've gotten very good at purging. I don't gain weight when I b/p now.
I probably won't start writing on here.
I'm still very depressed, obviously. Things are sort of worse than they've ever been.
I think it's been over a year since I tried to kill myself.
I used to write about my various attempts and trips to the er a lot.
I do even more drugs now. Not hard drugs, but it's probably only a matter of time.
Kidding. I'm broke. Still cutting and bruising.
Things were great for a while though.
I'm probably going to community college and moving out after this school year, or like, in an entire year.
I'll be alone then and I know I probably can't do it. I don't think I'd be able to live for very long by myself with how things are going. That's so fucked up. I don't know if I'll really recover. Like 1/3 of people with eating disorders do. I feel like I just know too much. About this shit, about myself.
I know most of you aren't pro ana. That shit is weird. It's a weird place to be. I think a lot of people got confused and called themselves that instead of saying they had an eating disorder. Actually pro-ed is fucked up though. I used to write about the things I did like they were okay. Until things got shitty and I couldn't do it anymore but I couldn't not. I feel very guilty now because there's a lot of people trying to get better, and I really just don't know what I'm doing.
I really do believe now, after having met a lot of different people, that you need to be ready to get better. I feel fucking awful about it, but I don't think I'm ready.
I really am scared. I remember being depressed and doing these things before. They feel darker now.
I was really young before. I was a freshman when I started writing about this and it took me a while to understand what I was doing and I understand it more every single day whether I want to or not.
I go to school with kids that are 14. They're small and they don't know what they're doing when it comes to fucking anything. I had no fucking idea what I was doing like, ever.
Every year I think I know everything and I really don't. I know more than I ever have right now, but I'm going to look back years from now and think I was a fucking idiot. And an asshole.
I really have turned into the biggest cunt. But I go to high school every day. School started Tuesday actually. It's like my anger and hostile feelings didn't fade at all over the summer and all the rage just picked back up. But I really can't handle how fucking stupid everyone is and how little people care that are supposed to. That fucking get paid to. I've realized that most things are total bullshit and everyone is full of bullshit.
I'm very angry now. It's difficult to deal with. Not like, yelling at people breaking shit, weird behavioral shit angry. I'm angry at everyone and I'm helpless, because most people I think, will die completely ignorant. People don't think. No one thinks and I know I'd rather be ignorant and not have things in my head. I wish I could take a lot of things in my head back.
This really doesn't make sense. I missed this, but things are very different now. It's not about my weight at all now. It really isn't. I care, and I obsess over numbers. But I know that it really has nothing to do with my size.
I still write too much.
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