Merry Christmas
I told myself I wasn't going to purge and I would just exercise instead after having brunch with my whole family. That didn't work and my throat hurts because I'm always puking. I didn't actually purge all of it for some reason. Idk, I'm really trying not to. I don't really know if I want to get better, but I definitely want to stop purging because it mf sucks.
My dad got me a really pretty necklace and I got The Journals of Sylvia Plath and the Bell Jar from my sister. I also got a big pack of tazo tea and there's like 6 different kinds. I'm pretty fucking happy about that because honestly who doesn't love tea?
I didn't weigh myself today because I really am trying to have a nice day and that never helps. I don't know. When I went to partial and my doctor kept threatening me with inpatient my weight was 115-117 pounds and I didn't really think it was that bad. I'm 5'7'' so that's like, barely underweight. Lately my weight has been around 112. I know parts of me look thin. Obviously I want to be smaller. Before Thanksgiving I was just under 110lbs and my legs were actually starting to look a little bit smaller. It's nice not having to go to the hospital to deal with being weighed every fucking week now. I really do feel bad for lying though.
Right now I'm doing tutoring instead of school because I'm too "emotionally fragile" to cope with daily life. I have to go back the 28th (I think) and I'd like to be around 104-105 lbs by then. It's doable. Probably won't be fun. Whatever. I'm so sick of bingeing. It's not even slightly satisfying anymore. I'm just too exhausted to keep purging. I think just restricting might work okay. I got a lot of candy for Christmas. I'm considering consuming it all in a day in one gigantic binge. Obviously I'll purge. Like I should say I'll try not to, and I will, but there's not point in pretending I'm suddenly going to be ok with digesting chocolate. I just want it all to not be around so it's easier to not eat shit. I've binged so much recently I'm fucking sick of junk food anyway. I actually have been craving fruit. It's just difficult, because I know that if I eat fruit and low cal stuff throughout the day, I'll be less likely to binge later. But I just feel so awful every time I eat anything. If I have an apple or something and I feel especially guilty for eating it because I didn't "need" it and I'm greedy etc., I'll want to purge, and when I've already decided I'm going to purge it's like "might as well eat more if it's all coming up anyway."
Honestly what the fuck is wrong with my head. Jfc, I just need to not purge. I don't remember the last time I kept something down.
Oh also I went out with this guy a couple times last week and he likes doing drugs and was in a Doors cover band. I like him. Not like, a ton, it's not like it'll last very long. But I'm lonely, and he's nice company at least. Also I found out he's 21. So last time we hung out he got whiskey and we made out in his car. I'm so fucking classy. I was very drunk. He pulled my hair when we kissed, so I guess that's sort of promising.
It's so hard finding people in the fucking suburbs of upstate ny who share mutual fetishes with you. You know how pro ana morons make bracelets and crap so they can spot each other and wave and bond over trivializing a serious illness? I think they should have those bracelets for people that like being choked/choking others during sex because it would make dating a lot easier.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Hi this is what I look like now
Not that bright blue hair really screams maturity and wisdom, etc.
Uh hi, I'm trying to start writing on this blog again. I'm not very motivated though, so I don't have very high expectations.
Update on my life; kind of struggling. I want to stop taking prozac because I don't feel like myself and it's definitely changed how I feel. But it's just fucking unsettling because it's not real, and it's so apparent all the time that it's the medication and not my brain making me feel this way.
I don't know if any of that makes sense. Sorry if it doesn't, I'm sort of high. I don't know, it just makes me feel even less in control of my emotions.
As far as food goes, I think the last time I digested something was Thursday. I had a strawberry creme frappuccino from starbucks. It was fabulous and pink and I'd never tried it before.
Honestly I can't justify consuming drinks with calories or any drinks at all if they're not caffeinated. That frapp was a weird "yay lets recover right this second" moment. I got over that idea by the time they finished making it.
Basically I don't really eat until dinner because I have to eat with my family. And I always purge that unless it's super low cal. But not really because the other day I vomited when I had sushi that was less than 300 cals because it was too much. I don't know.
I had to go to the hospital for a check up. I go every 6 months now. Which is great for my eating disorder, but probably not so great for my sanity/health. So I ate and "gained" weight for my appointment. Water loaded way too much, almost projectile vomited everywhere. My doctor said I lost weight but he wasn't worried. I took laxatives and purged what I'd eaten before the appointment as soon as it was over. The next day I weighed 7 pounds less. It's been like 5 days and I've lost 10 pounds of mostly water weight.
My mom has been telling me I look like I lost weight lately. Holy fuck, I really do feel so guilty for lying to everyone. I'm so angry that I relapsed. I should've just tried harder or something. I feel like I'm ungrateful or something for relapsing when I had so much support and a really great experience in treatment.
Ugh w/e I ramble and I hope no one actually read all this because it's just drug induced, sleep deprived brain vomit.
Sorry if this looks weird or grammar or spelling is fucked up, I wrote this on my phone. Also sorry if I'm different and you don't like me because of it because I sort of feel that way about myself right now. Point is, I'm back here and I missed everyone and I hope you didn't forget me.
Update on my life; kind of struggling. I want to stop taking prozac because I don't feel like myself and it's definitely changed how I feel. But it's just fucking unsettling because it's not real, and it's so apparent all the time that it's the medication and not my brain making me feel this way.
I don't know if any of that makes sense. Sorry if it doesn't, I'm sort of high. I don't know, it just makes me feel even less in control of my emotions.
As far as food goes, I think the last time I digested something was Thursday. I had a strawberry creme frappuccino from starbucks. It was fabulous and pink and I'd never tried it before.
Honestly I can't justify consuming drinks with calories or any drinks at all if they're not caffeinated. That frapp was a weird "yay lets recover right this second" moment. I got over that idea by the time they finished making it.
Basically I don't really eat until dinner because I have to eat with my family. And I always purge that unless it's super low cal. But not really because the other day I vomited when I had sushi that was less than 300 cals because it was too much. I don't know.
I had to go to the hospital for a check up. I go every 6 months now. Which is great for my eating disorder, but probably not so great for my sanity/health. So I ate and "gained" weight for my appointment. Water loaded way too much, almost projectile vomited everywhere. My doctor said I lost weight but he wasn't worried. I took laxatives and purged what I'd eaten before the appointment as soon as it was over. The next day I weighed 7 pounds less. It's been like 5 days and I've lost 10 pounds of mostly water weight.
My mom has been telling me I look like I lost weight lately. Holy fuck, I really do feel so guilty for lying to everyone. I'm so angry that I relapsed. I should've just tried harder or something. I feel like I'm ungrateful or something for relapsing when I had so much support and a really great experience in treatment.
Ugh w/e I ramble and I hope no one actually read all this because it's just drug induced, sleep deprived brain vomit.
Sorry if this looks weird or grammar or spelling is fucked up, I wrote this on my phone. Also sorry if I'm different and you don't like me because of it because I sort of feel that way about myself right now. Point is, I'm back here and I missed everyone and I hope you didn't forget me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)