Uh hi, I'm trying to start writing on this blog again. I'm not very motivated though, so I don't have very high expectations.

Update on my life; kind of struggling. I want to stop taking prozac because I don't feel like myself and it's definitely changed how I feel. But it's just fucking unsettling because it's not real, and it's so apparent all the time that it's the medication and not my brain making me feel this way.
I don't know if any of that makes sense. Sorry if it doesn't, I'm sort of high. I don't know, it just makes me feel even less in control of my emotions.
As far as food goes, I think the last time I digested something was Thursday. I had a strawberry creme frappuccino from starbucks. It was fabulous and pink and I'd never tried it before.
Honestly I can't justify consuming drinks with calories or any drinks at all if they're not caffeinated. That frapp was a weird "yay lets recover right this second" moment. I got over that idea by the time they finished making it.
Basically I don't really eat until dinner because I have to eat with my family. And I always purge that unless it's super low cal. But not really because the other day I vomited when I had sushi that was less than 300 cals because it was too much. I don't know.

I had to go to the hospital for a check up. I go every 6 months now. Which is great for my eating disorder, but probably not so great for my sanity/health. So I ate and "gained" weight for my appointment. Water loaded way too much, almost projectile vomited everywhere. My doctor said I lost weight but he wasn't worried. I took laxatives and purged what I'd eaten before the appointment as soon as it was over. The next day I weighed 7 pounds less. It's been like 5 days and I've lost 10 pounds of mostly water weight.
My mom has been telling me I look like I lost weight lately. Holy fuck, I really do feel so guilty for lying to everyone. I'm so angry that I relapsed. I should've just tried harder or something. I feel like I'm ungrateful or something for relapsing when I had so much support and a really great experience in treatment.

Ugh w/e I ramble and I hope no one actually read all this because it's just drug induced, sleep deprived brain vomit.

Sorry if this looks weird or grammar or spelling is fucked up, I wrote this on my phone. Also sorry if I'm different and you don't like me because of it because I sort of feel that way about myself right now. Point is, I'm back here and I missed everyone and I hope you didn't forget me.