Merry Christmas

I told myself I wasn't going to purge and I would just exercise instead after having brunch with my whole family. That didn't work and my throat hurts because I'm always puking. I didn't actually purge all of it for some reason. Idk, I'm really trying not to. I don't really know if I want to get better, but I definitely want to stop purging because it mf sucks.

My dad got me a really pretty necklace and I got The Journals of Sylvia Plath and the Bell Jar from my sister. I also got a big pack of tazo tea and there's like 6 different kinds. I'm pretty fucking happy about that because honestly who doesn't love tea?

I didn't weigh myself today because I really am trying to have a nice day and that never helps. I don't know. When I went to partial and my doctor kept threatening me with inpatient my weight was 115-117 pounds and I didn't really think it was that bad. I'm 5'7'' so that's like, barely underweight. Lately my weight has been around 112. I know parts of me look thin. Obviously I want to be smaller. Before Thanksgiving I was just under 110lbs and my legs were actually starting to look a little bit smaller. It's nice not having to go to the hospital to deal with being weighed every fucking week now. I really do feel bad for lying though.

Right now I'm doing tutoring instead of school because I'm too "emotionally fragile" to cope with daily life. I have to go back the 28th (I think) and I'd like to be around 104-105 lbs by then. It's doable. Probably won't be fun. Whatever. I'm so sick of bingeing. It's not even slightly satisfying anymore. I'm just too exhausted to keep purging. I think just restricting might work okay. I got a lot of candy for Christmas. I'm considering consuming it all in a day in one gigantic binge. Obviously I'll purge. Like I should say I'll try not to, and I will, but there's not point in pretending I'm suddenly going to be ok with digesting chocolate. I just want it all to not be around so it's easier to not eat shit. I've binged so much recently I'm fucking sick of junk food anyway. I actually have been craving fruit. It's just difficult, because I know that if I eat fruit and low cal stuff throughout the day, I'll be less likely to binge later. But I just feel so awful every time I eat anything. If I have an apple or something and I feel especially guilty for eating it because I didn't "need" it and I'm greedy etc., I'll want to purge, and when I've already decided I'm going to purge it's like "might as well eat more if it's all coming up anyway."
Honestly what the fuck is wrong with my head. Jfc, I just need to not purge. I don't remember the last time I kept something down.

Oh also I went out with this guy a couple times last week and he likes doing drugs and was in a Doors cover band. I like him. Not like, a ton, it's not like it'll last very long. But I'm lonely, and he's nice company at least. Also I found out he's 21. So last time we hung out he got whiskey and we made out in his car. I'm so fucking classy. I was very drunk. He pulled my hair when we kissed, so I guess that's sort of promising.

It's so hard finding people in the fucking suburbs of upstate ny who share mutual fetishes with you. You know how pro ana morons make bracelets and crap so they can spot each other and wave and bond over trivializing a serious illness? I think they should have those bracelets for people that like being choked/choking others during sex because it would make dating a lot easier.