Merry Christmas

I told myself I wasn't going to purge and I would just exercise instead after having brunch with my whole family. That didn't work and my throat hurts because I'm always puking. I didn't actually purge all of it for some reason. Idk, I'm really trying not to. I don't really know if I want to get better, but I definitely want to stop purging because it mf sucks.

My dad got me a really pretty necklace and I got The Journals of Sylvia Plath and the Bell Jar from my sister. I also got a big pack of tazo tea and there's like 6 different kinds. I'm pretty fucking happy about that because honestly who doesn't love tea?

I didn't weigh myself today because I really am trying to have a nice day and that never helps. I don't know. When I went to partial and my doctor kept threatening me with inpatient my weight was 115-117 pounds and I didn't really think it was that bad. I'm 5'7'' so that's like, barely underweight. Lately my weight has been around 112. I know parts of me look thin. Obviously I want to be smaller. Before Thanksgiving I was just under 110lbs and my legs were actually starting to look a little bit smaller. It's nice not having to go to the hospital to deal with being weighed every fucking week now. I really do feel bad for lying though.

Right now I'm doing tutoring instead of school because I'm too "emotionally fragile" to cope with daily life. I have to go back the 28th (I think) and I'd like to be around 104-105 lbs by then. It's doable. Probably won't be fun. Whatever. I'm so sick of bingeing. It's not even slightly satisfying anymore. I'm just too exhausted to keep purging. I think just restricting might work okay. I got a lot of candy for Christmas. I'm considering consuming it all in a day in one gigantic binge. Obviously I'll purge. Like I should say I'll try not to, and I will, but there's not point in pretending I'm suddenly going to be ok with digesting chocolate. I just want it all to not be around so it's easier to not eat shit. I've binged so much recently I'm fucking sick of junk food anyway. I actually have been craving fruit. It's just difficult, because I know that if I eat fruit and low cal stuff throughout the day, I'll be less likely to binge later. But I just feel so awful every time I eat anything. If I have an apple or something and I feel especially guilty for eating it because I didn't "need" it and I'm greedy etc., I'll want to purge, and when I've already decided I'm going to purge it's like "might as well eat more if it's all coming up anyway."
Honestly what the fuck is wrong with my head. Jfc, I just need to not purge. I don't remember the last time I kept something down.

Oh also I went out with this guy a couple times last week and he likes doing drugs and was in a Doors cover band. I like him. Not like, a ton, it's not like it'll last very long. But I'm lonely, and he's nice company at least. Also I found out he's 21. So last time we hung out he got whiskey and we made out in his car. I'm so fucking classy. I was very drunk. He pulled my hair when we kissed, so I guess that's sort of promising.

It's so hard finding people in the fucking suburbs of upstate ny who share mutual fetishes with you. You know how pro ana morons make bracelets and crap so they can spot each other and wave and bond over trivializing a serious illness? I think they should have those bracelets for people that like being choked/choking others during sex because it would make dating a lot easier.

Hi this is what I look like now

My face looks a lot older than it did a couple years ago I think. I find it disturbing sometimes that I look like an actual adult and not a child anymore.
Not that bright blue hair really screams maturity and wisdom, etc.

Uh hi, I'm trying to start writing on this blog again. I'm not very motivated though, so I don't have very high expectations.

Update on my life; kind of struggling. I want to stop taking prozac because I don't feel like myself and it's definitely changed how I feel. But it's just fucking unsettling because it's not real, and it's so apparent all the time that it's the medication and not my brain making me feel this way.
I don't know if any of that makes sense. Sorry if it doesn't, I'm sort of high. I don't know, it just makes me feel even less in control of my emotions.
As far as food goes, I think the last time I digested something was Thursday. I had a strawberry creme frappuccino from starbucks. It was fabulous and pink and I'd never tried it before.
Honestly I can't justify consuming drinks with calories or any drinks at all if they're not caffeinated. That frapp was a weird "yay lets recover right this second" moment. I got over that idea by the time they finished making it.
Basically I don't really eat until dinner because I have to eat with my family. And I always purge that unless it's super low cal. But not really because the other day I vomited when I had sushi that was less than 300 cals because it was too much. I don't know.

I had to go to the hospital for a check up. I go every 6 months now. Which is great for my eating disorder, but probably not so great for my sanity/health. So I ate and "gained" weight for my appointment. Water loaded way too much, almost projectile vomited everywhere. My doctor said I lost weight but he wasn't worried. I took laxatives and purged what I'd eaten before the appointment as soon as it was over. The next day I weighed 7 pounds less. It's been like 5 days and I've lost 10 pounds of mostly water weight.
My mom has been telling me I look like I lost weight lately. Holy fuck, I really do feel so guilty for lying to everyone. I'm so angry that I relapsed. I should've just tried harder or something. I feel like I'm ungrateful or something for relapsing when I had so much support and a really great experience in treatment.

Ugh w/e I ramble and I hope no one actually read all this because it's just drug induced, sleep deprived brain vomit.

Sorry if this looks weird or grammar or spelling is fucked up, I wrote this on my phone. Also sorry if I'm different and you don't like me because of it because I sort of feel that way about myself right now. Point is, I'm back here and I missed everyone and I hope you didn't forget me.

Actually, I probably sound like I've gone a little mad in my absence

Hey, you probably don't remember me.
I don't even know why I'm posting this.

Sorry I left without saying anything, I still miss and worry about a lot of you.

I went into that program over a year ago (April 2011 I think?) and was doing great and I relapsed around May 2012, or about 4 months ago.

I'm a senior in high school and my hair is purple and my face is thinner and I'm a lot more sarcastic. I have a boyfriend that I love a lot.
I still wear those lame glasses.

I fast a lot. I purge when I eat. My boyfriend and like, 2 actual friends are worried (yeah it's insane I found a group of kids at school that will accept me they're called pot heads. just kidding though, they don't even want me. but i do have friends now). So I've been trying to eat 600-800 calories a day and exercising because I still need to lose weight. But it's too much and it's too hard and I usually eat a lot less than that. I purge and sometimes binge. I've gotten very good at purging. I don't gain weight when I b/p now.

I probably won't start writing on here.
I'm still very depressed, obviously. Things are sort of worse than they've ever been.
I think it's been over a year since I tried to kill myself.
I used to write about my various attempts and trips to the er a lot.

I do even more drugs now. Not hard drugs, but it's probably only a matter of time.
Kidding. I'm broke. Still cutting and bruising.

Things were great for a while though.

I'm probably going to community college and moving out after this school year, or like, in an entire year.

I'll be alone then and I know I probably can't do it. I don't think I'd be able to live for very long by myself with how things are going. That's so fucked up. I don't know if I'll really recover. Like 1/3 of people with eating disorders do. I feel like I just know too much. About this shit, about myself.

I know most of you aren't pro ana. That shit is weird. It's a weird place to be. I think a lot of people got confused and called themselves that instead of saying they had an eating disorder. Actually pro-ed is fucked up though. I used to write about the things I did like they were okay. Until things got shitty and I couldn't do it anymore but I couldn't not. I feel very guilty now because there's a lot of people trying to get better, and I really just don't know what I'm doing.

I really do believe now, after having met a lot of different people, that you need to be ready to get better. I feel fucking awful about it, but I don't think I'm ready.

I really am scared. I remember being depressed and doing these things before. They feel darker now.
I was really young before. I was a freshman when I started writing about this and it took me a while to understand what I was doing and I understand it more every single day whether I want to or not.

I go to school with kids that are 14. They're small and they don't know what they're doing when it comes to fucking anything. I had no fucking idea what I was doing like, ever.

Every year I think I know everything and I really don't. I know more than I ever have right now, but I'm going to look back years from now and think I was a fucking idiot. And an asshole.

I really have turned into the biggest cunt. But I go to high school every day. School started Tuesday actually. It's like my anger and hostile feelings didn't fade at all over the summer and all the rage just picked back up. But I really can't handle how fucking stupid everyone is and how little people care that are supposed to. That fucking get paid to. I've realized that most things are total bullshit and everyone is full of bullshit.

I'm very angry now. It's difficult to deal with. Not like, yelling at people breaking shit, weird behavioral shit angry. I'm angry at everyone and I'm helpless, because most people I think, will die completely ignorant. People don't think. No one thinks and I know I'd rather be ignorant and not have things in my head. I wish I could take a lot of things in my head back.

This really doesn't make sense. I missed this, but things are very different now. It's not about my weight at all now. It really isn't. I care, and I obsess over numbers. But I know that it really has nothing to do with my size.

I still write too much.